And just like that, our BREASTFEEDING journey is over.

Already in 5 short months, I’ve learned so much of mothering is a process of letting go & surrendering  

Some happen right away; where others happen slowly over time

In my 3rd day as a mama, I experienced – what was to me – A devastating blow & realized that my body wouldn’t produce enough milk for my son to be exclusively breastfed & I would have to supplement with formula

I immediately burst into tears with my husband & Mid Wife holding me close, as I had to let go of a lifelong dream  

Thankfully, my body produced some milk & I was able to still breastfeed my son before every bottle-feeding  

A few months later, it was clear that as my boy was growing, my milk wasn’t sufficient for him any more & he began mostly going to my breast for comfort

Then, without notice or any expectation, when we came back from Florida in August, at 4 months old my son decided he was even done using my breast for comfort & refused my breasts altogether  

That was another few days of letting go & surrendering! I never understood it before I went through it myself, but breastfeeding is an absolutely beautiful journey & bonding time with your baby!

I was still determined to give everything I could & I continued to pump for the next month. I was only getting an ounce here or there – but it was worth it! 

 I called it my “super liquid gold medicine” to our boy

And now, just this week after several pumping sessions for half an hour or more, I’ve discovered that I am officially all dried up & at the end of my breastfeeding journey with Mason

Whew. Some more tears

Sad AND happy ones

I was very thankful for the time that I WAS able to breastfeed & that’s what I’m choosing to focus on- I know some women also have the desire to do so & never get to

Will I get to breastfeed again? 

I sure hope so

During this challenging journey with the breastfeeding, I have discovered, along with the guidance of my midwives, that I may have a condition known as ”BREAST HYPOPLASIA” 

Basically, I would have insufficient glandular tissue – which is the “milk making” tissue inside your breasts 

Which crazy enough – gave me some comfort

On one hand, I was frustrated with my body  

But then, realising I was born that way & couldn’t do anything about it, it gave me a peace - that no matter how many times I pumped, did skin to skin, ate all the oatmeal, flaxseed, Brewer’s yeast, took the fenugreek, thought the happy thoughts- that my body, just wasn’t built to produce the way other women’s was

So, I now LET GO of one journey – and move on to the next. Feeding our boy with organic formula, letting him slowly learn to feed himself (baby led weaning), and embrace the joy that is IN mothering

It’s still the greatest adventure & dream come true. Breastfeeding , or NOT

XO, Cheyanne

Published by Kim & Cheyanne Cleyman

Married Belgian-American couple living in Europe helping families connect through fitness across cultures and continents; with a passion for well-being - mind, body, heart and soul.

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